Time

I've been thinking for quite some time about a few things; particularly the efforts of those surrounding me whether they be family, clients, or colleagues. The past few weeks have been...stressful to say the least. Vacation totally threw off my yeast "diet" and today is day 1...again. Then our anniversary. Then another...sadder anniversary which included my own paranoia for the entire week which encompassed that day last year. *whew* We survived a year! I've gotten to hire people, had to fire someone and seen several people make choices in their lives that hurt or disregarded other people impacted by their choices.

In my own life, especially when reflecting on the year at the beginning of the month, I've tried to notice the things I did differently in the past that may or may not have contributed to things getting better in my own life.

1) Stop taking things personally. There was a time, for a period of time, in which someone else's behavior immediately impacted what I believed our relationship was. If someone didn't call, didn't write, didn't respond in the expected/hoped for time frame, didn't text back, didn't agree with me, or anything of that nature, it meant the decline of our relationship (in my mind, not that I freaked out on everyone). To say this felt unstable and scary is an understatement. Now, I think of all possible obstacles aside from "you're not good enough" to explain the distance/inaction and wow, tons happier. I'm just saying. I also think that it relaxes others to not have the pressure to care for my emotions when I'm busy taking care of my OWN emotions.

2) Trust God More. Last year it was a struggle on some days to do the things I knew were best for me. Amazingly enough, the more I didn't do them, the bigger the obstacles became. One thing that really took a hit was my church attendance. This year (January) I was determined that nobody's mood, meanness, crankiness, or lack of action would deter me from attending church to renew my covenants and be filled in the ways I most needed it. I have missed church twice, so far, both due to vomiting. Amazingly enough, my life improved.

3) Honest reporting. In March, I began attending therapy, for myself. The first time that I went more than a handful of times consistently. I knew that I tended to not share exact levels of my own feelings because of my...history. Being able to take ownership of my part and appropriately dole out the impact of others' actions on my emotions has helped me feel more heard, defended and safe and others do better at not hurting me. Amazing how that works!

4) Stop protecting others from my feelings. For some reason, I thought that I was "so emotional" that my emotions were unrealistic, inappropriate, or undeserving of attention. I was unsure how others would react and was sending the message that they were not strong enough to handle my feelings. Oh what LIES! This falls into the honest reporting a little bit, but it is still important. Also, being able to say "I need a break" or "I want to go to this activity" instead of worrying about the reaction. It seems that when I do that, I usually get what I need/want. Go figure!

5) Trust God More. Everything we are commanded to do is linked to a blessing. We can choose to follow the commandment and receive a blessing or not. It really is that simple. A quote I used to nag my little sister with was " When you almost obey a commandment, you almost receive a blessing." It is so true, and we are being blessed frequently.

6) Look in the mirror Instead of worrying about whether someone ELSE is doing what they ought to do, am I checking myself out (oww owwwwww) and fixing the things that need to change?

7) Allow others to struggle. The hardest one is this one. There are times where we care so much about other people that we want to swoop in and save them. We want to "help" them because they are having a hard time. I've learned, with some time, that what appears like help to me can actually be debilitating to others. If I do it for you then am I saying that I believe you cannot do it? If I do it for you or save you from yourself, am I keeping you from ever having the motivation necessary to go do what needs to be done? I am reminded of butterflies. In school they used to tell us that if somoene helps a butterfly out of their cocoon, they are too weak to fly and they die. If we allow them to struggle their own way out of it, they gain the muscles to live and fly successfully. It is definitely hard to watch, but a necessary part of life.

8) Embrace agency. There are lots of times when people make choices I do not agree with. Especially in the mental health field. A big part of mental health is "informed consent". It basically means, you agree to this, knowing full well what will be a consequence if you do or don't do it. The guy I had to fire, signed a paper basically stating. "I will have ____ by this date and time. If I do not have it, I will be terminated." Easy, well defined boundaries, allow us to provide consequences without guilt or emotionality because the person CHOSE the outcome when they did not (or did) follow through.

9) Trust others more. I'm not an overly jump into a group and make best friends kind of person. Especially when it comes to women. I have lots of sisters and I used to think I didn't need any more. I happened to be invited to join a book club of like-minded or like-aged women and I accepted, knowing I needed to have some positive outlet instead of only work and home. It has been a great way to think about things that have nothing to do with work or home. To remember that part of me that used to sit in the closet in my bedroom and read a book in one sitting because I liked it! These women have helped me rediscover parts of myself that were fading away and that takes some trust. Another big part of this is asking for help. There were several days I had to ask for help due to overwhelmedness and exhaustion whether physical or emotional.

10) Serenity Prayer. When I lived with Nanny, she had the Serenity Prayer in stained glass on her refrigerator. I hear it often now, working so closely to Substance Abuse treatment. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." Some days it is harder than it looks, but it is worth it.

11) Show more gratitude. One thing that has greatly improved my home life, if not everywhere else, is an increase of gratitude. Instead of looking for the area lacking, comment on the positive part. If I was expecting something more, still appreciate the portion completed. The tone of my life has completed shifted as a result.

Last year was a rough year, for sure, but to have gained so much as a result, I really think I wouldn't wish it away. Not that I want to do it again. :)