Like Sands Through The Hourglass...

Something that I try to be very aware of in my own life is my mood and how it affects my interactions with Henley. I have known for some time that my health problems have a tendency to increase my irritability and I have mostly managed to reduce that through increased use of my "filter".

I hear comments about how I am able to come home and play with Henley or be patient or put up with certain behaviors that are frustrating to others. The biggest thing I work to remember is that whether I am tired, hungry, frustrated with work, clients or life...my love for Henley doesn't change. She does not possess the cognitive functioning to think "oh, mom must not have the energy to play with me today because she was on call all night and then I woke up super early" to allow her to know why I do a certain behavior. All children see themselves as the center of the world and eventually grow out of it (if done correctly, don't ask me how, yet), but at her age, she doesn't know why and only can feel it as personal rejection by her mother.

I struggle with this argument though. Maybe I am perpetuating frozen emotions by just avoiding what I am going through to be the parent I think I need to be. On the other hand...it is only avoidance if I NEVER go back and process it. If I go deal with it when she is asleep, it is only healthy compartmentalizing, right? Eh, that's what I tell myself at least.

This is why some days...the dishes don't get done. If I have to choose between playing Legos with Henley and doing dishes, it's pretty much a no-brainer. Of course, that only lasts for so long before we have to buy paper plates or eat off the floor (which is definitely not clean enough for that).

In cases with Henley, I try to think of the message I am sending her by my actions, my words and the combination of the two. If I am saying that she is the most important thing to me, but I don't teach her appropriate boundaries, don't choose to spend time with her, don't pray and teach her about Christ...I'm sending two conflicting messages.

The line that I (and I think most mothers) struggle with is the "my needs are important too" line. My child is important, but in the airplane that is hurdling toward the ground...my air mask goes on first. Yes, you are amazing and I don't want to miss a moment, but I need to take my own break.

This is my battle of the day. I will soon go pick her up from daycare and pay for this week and next. Monday I am off work, but daycare is open. Do I choose Henley or do I choose me? I want to spend the day finishing the two quilts I have on task and the curtains for the kitchen and...you get the idea. But to spend an entire, uninterrupted day with a princess has the potential for bliss too!

I suppose I can pay for Monday and change my mind and let it roll over into the next week.