Shadow

I was sitting in church today and between classes I was reading up some things on my phone. When I looked up I realized I was sitting by myself. I had a random flashback that made me think.

I've never been awesome at making friends. Really. Never. I had a friend named Angie that lived across the street when we lived in Homewood, Alabama. She was very rude. Every time I fell or messed up she would laugh at me. We moved down the street a while later. I remember attending her birthday party and she was rude to me again. I walked out and never hung out with her again. My first real friend I remember was Jessica Jones in 4th grade (the first half). I remember she had a cat with no tail and her mom told this silly story about the cat and the cutting board that ended with the loss of the tail.

The middle of my 4th grade year life changed a bit. Dad moved out, my grandfather died, and I moved to Virginia all in the span of a week. Within a couple days of starting school, a girl in my class wrote me a note and asked if I would be her friend. Her name was Michelle Swift. She was awesome and cool and accepting. From my best memory, we spent a lot of time together. By the time we were in 5th grade, we were pretty inseparable. I wasn't overly bold in my behaviors, so I mostly just followed her around. Eventually, the kids got mean and called me her "shadow". After enough levels of teasing that convinced me that I wasn't someone people wanted following them, I withdrew more (if that was even possible) and Michelle and I eventually stopped being friends. I moved back to Alabama and really never talked to her again.

I realized that I have this perpetual belief that people really want nothing to do with me. If they have a choice between me and anything else...they choose anything else. I don't dare mention the number of get-togethers I have planned in which nobody has showed up. Some days that kid still shows up and argues with the logical adult I can sometimes be. I'm really adept at seeing that story play out in most scenarios. I expect very little from my peers and I tend to mentally rank those around me with each person (often me being last). As exhausting of a process it is for me, I'm sure it is equally exhausting for my friends. The ones that actually are successful at reminding me of the logical adult instead of the insecure child.

I need to stop listening to that kid and expand my comfort zone. Most days I suck at it but at least I know so I can see it and get better at it. :P