My One Regret

There have been several moments in my life that were clear turning points. Most of those moments can be measured on "The Week I Cried Every Night" list. I can count five of those weeks. 1989, 1995, 2004, 2006, and 2010 all held a week of tears. I think the one that changed me the most was 2006. This one was tears of growth and understanding, instead of grief, pain, and loss. It was a few months into my time at Harding and it seemed like around every single turn I was being pushed to be better. It was amazing, necessary, hard, and the greatest two years of my life. I was surrounded by amazing people that challenged me, questioned me, encouraged me, and loved me into being the best version of myself they could.

There was one distinct difference between myself and my peers in the program. All of them are Church of Christ while I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I had several conversations with one of my peers about my beliefs and especially about temples. He asked questions, I would answer them as best I could. Other than that, I had very few conversations about religion while I was there. A few months before I graduated, I was confronted by my supervision group in regard to my withholding of my religion from them. They were offended that I hadn't tried to convert them. If the Gospel was so amazing and held all these truths including the priesthood it didn't make sense to them why I wouldn't share it with them, especially when I love them so much.

This is the one area in which I remain stuck. I grew in many, many ways while at Harding, but I am still very tight-lipped about my testimony. To me, the Gospel is connected to the very deepest parts of me. My identity is so ingrained in my beliefs (although I am imperfect and struggle to be obedient all the time) that the rejection of something I hold so dearly was a rejection of me. I have many family members that have chosen not to participate in the Gospel and it took several years to accept that rejection was not about rejection of me (I still haven't quite mastered it).

My hesitation in sharing that part of me has probably been the biggest obstacle the past five years. Similar to my friends, sharing this part of me in my home is the most terrifying thing someone could ask of me. I have a lot of theories of where this originated, but that doesn't change things.

I have realized a couple times in the past six months that my perspective changes frequently based upon who I am around. The firm perspective that I once held has become flimsy. I would venture to guess it is because the "who I am" that I was in regard to my beliefs has had a tendency to hide for the past few years. Of course, just as it was unfair to my friends then, it is unfair to my family that I am building now. There are things I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I do no say often enough. I do not discuss them because they are so personal to me. When I do not share them, I lose more of that part of myself, and I am realizing that. These are the things I know:

1) Jesus Christ died for my sins and the sins of people I love and dislike and everyone in between. His gift continues to lift me and comfort me and allow me to repent as often as I choose. It gives me the freedom to forgive people that have wronged me and people I love. The Atonement is by far, one of the most amazing gifts given in the history of man.

2) I am a Child of God. I know this. I know He loves me. I know he knows me better than I know myself and pushes me just as my friends and teachers at school did. He wants me to become who He knows me to be. He will not give up on me. He trusts me. In all my imperfections, he still watches and cares about me. Every week of the crying, He was there every time comforting me through his Holy Ghost.

3) The Gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. The ability to live with my family in eternity is a gift I am entitled to if I choose to be obedient. God wants to bless me and you and through the Gospel, all things are possible.

4) God leads his Church in the way he led it years ago, through living revelation and a Prophet of God. Joseph Smith restored the Gospel through revelation and revelation continues in an unbroken chain even today.

5) The Book of Mormon is the Word of God. No one can read it, seeking to know the truth, without feeling a confirmation of the Spirit testifying of its truthfulness. It testifies of Christ and encourages us to become like him.

Of course, there are many other things outside of these five that are also true, but they are only appendages of the original five. Many of the things I do and choices I make are based upon these beliefs. I know the difference in my day when I am following my beliefs and when I am distracted by things of the world, including fear. Of the entire two years at Harding, my only regret is not being more bold about my testimony. For my friends who have started families since we went our ways, I constantly wish I had opened my mouth more and shared the things I know so that your families can be together forever too.