How Do You Love?

I keep looking at my schedule next week for work and I see Monday morning "blood draw". I dread these things lately. I'm not aichmophobic or anything like that, but I know what is going to happen. I'm going to waste a bunch of money because I know very well that I haven't been taking my medicine consistently. I am improving and I'm actually getting Henley her medication regularly-ish. So, I then have a test that says my thyroid is still messed up, the doctor will pretend to be baffled although he knows I'm not the most consistent person in the world and I'll have wasted money on a test because I lack consistency.

It is interesting to me that, while pregnant, I was stellar at my medicine regimen. I suppose because I was motivated to take care of Henley along with a looming fear that the doctor so kindly placed in me that she might be a cretin if I didn't. I know that if it's just me, I can't turn into a cretin, so I'm okay, I guess.

As therapists, we are supposed to "reframe" thoughts, scenarios, etc. so they are turned in a different, more helpful way. Instead of focusing on all the things I am not doing because I feel it important to put my family members first (or I just am not very motivated right now), I decided to make a list. A list of things I can do to show my family that I love them. This includes, taking my medicine so I am "normal"-ish and "healthy"-ish, being more consistent about a budget, reading more (I promise I used to read books like I used to eat bananas), actually studying for my exams and several others. Sure, some of them affect me directly, but if I am not okay, I certainly cannot help my family out! It all impacts us all, you see: study for tests-->pass tests-->get licensed-->get raise-->pay off debt sooner-->less family stress/more fun with family. Who doesn't want that?!

Apparently...me. Because studying for my tests is so...something. But since my friend Julie left, I've been listening to the study stuff in the car AND I'm becoming more motivated (maybe tonight I will) to sit and read the book instead of watch home improvement shows on Hulu. The shows are great because I can play with Henley, pseudo pay attention, and not miss a huge plot line. I'm also being more conscious about what I watch with her in the room. No, she really doesn't get what's happening in Psych or White Collar or whatever show it is that I'm watching, but shows (and movies) have ratings for a reason and just because she's small doesn't mean she isn't affected by them. So, brainless background noise (i.e. home improvement shows) allows me to play AND not be bored as opposed to me reading the Encyclopedia of Counseling and being frustrated because I can't focus.

In any case, I now have a very thorough list of "Things I Can Do To Show Love For My Family" and 18 of them are completely up to me and have little to do with either David or Henley, but greatly impact them at the same time. Maybe one day I'll do them because I am in a habit or because I love myself to do it independent of them, but today it's for them.

As a result of being more...motivated...I finally called the Health Department and went and picked up Henley's birth certificate. What a great birthday present for her, huh?

AND I picked up my anniversary present from David today. He made something and special ordered it, so I went to pick it up. I'll take pictures...sometime and post them. He is so proud of it and it looks great!